THIS JUST IN - SWINE FLU NEWS UPDATE

Swine Flu. Think about the number of people that die every year from swallowing a pillow case. Now multiply that number by 200. That is the kind of toll swine flue has taken on the world population. Imagine the most lethal animal in the world, if you pictured a sugar glider than in essence you grasped the ferocity of the Swine Flu. Try to describe the most terrifying nightmare you have ever had, if you described a dream where you drive to Chik-fil-a only to discover that it is Sunday and thus closed then guess what, Swine Flu is equally as horrifying. So then, what is swine flu? Basically, and this is straight from the WHO so it could be a bit graphic, Swine Flu is the experience of flu like symptoms including fever, cough, headache, muscle and joint pain, sore throat and runny nose, and sometimes vomiting or diarrhoea. In some extreme cases the victim will experience re-animation upon death (NOTE: There is no proof of this, merely the expressed fear of a polite man named Larry whom I found digging in the dumpster behind my apartment). In general, WHAT THE HECK MEXICO! Yeah, I'm totally pissed off that something like this sprung up just south of the border without anyone stopping it, thats super gay guys, geez!

So what does this all mean? It means be cool, relax, because the last thing we need is to start panicking and freaking each other out. Whats that? The WHO just raised this to a level 5 pandemic? Possibly a level 6? OH $%#@!!! Okay, oh my goodness, OMG, we have to remain level headed. At least there are vaccines we can get to immunize our bodies against this violent plague. ummmm you are *$#@ing me right?! Why are we not looting Best Buys? Why hasn't the government been parachuting canned goods into my neighborhood? Listen to me America, we can get through this together. Remember that time when Taco Bell discontinued the Cheezy Gordita Crunch and you were all like, what? eff this? are they serious? Taco Bell sucks! Well we got through that, and we can get through this.

I recently sought out advice from an entity other than WHO, hoping to get a "second" opinion. So I went to my good friend Curtis who has had the flu at least a dozen times according to himself, and tends to regularly get other sorts of "nasty" infections. Curtis told me that there is nothing to worry about, that in the US tens of thousands die from the flu every year, and so far this new flu is not nearly so severe. When asked about the possibility of re-animation, Curtis merely shrugged his shoulders and made the hand motion of masturbation. "You seem confident I said". He replied, "dude, relax, swine flu sounds scary because there is no cure for it. But I mean, if I told you we couldn't cure your cold, that you had to wait a few days to get better would you freak out?" I said no, but I wasn't quite sure what he was getting at. Geez, Curtis is such a douche bag sometimes.

BP